Here’s the deal, no one likes to be disappointed or worse disappoint another – especially if you love them and want to make them happy.
The thing is, if you walk on eggshells to not rock the boat with a beloved, you are most likely going to abandon your own needs.Tricky dance!
Let me give you an example of how to navigate this sometimes difficult tango.
The other day, I had plans with my boyfriend. It’s a new relationship and I want things to be easy peezy!
Snow was in the forecast and our great plans suddenly had a big wrinkle in them… especially for me who was doing the driving. It’s a long story so let me cut to the chase; the plans were not going to work for me.
I was tired from jet lag and had a big schedule to navigate which also included taking care of Jasper.
Here’s a peek into the UNHEALTHY CHATTER IN MY HEAD:
- Suck it up Junie, you can handle this!
- You don’t want him to think you’re high maintenance and cause drama, do you?
- and on and on…
I noticed the stress in my body. I also knew this was an old pattern from my past relationships where I was scared to cause conflict. I was scared to lose the connection. I would sacrifice my own health and sanity in order to keep the peace. Ouch!
The price though was my own peace and frankly, my relationships were not healthy or authentic because I wasn’t sharing my truth. I also had a hard time receiving support and asking for support.
Relate at all to this? Ever put other people’s needs in front of your own at your own expense?
Now I’m not saying to not take into account your beloveds’ needs. I am just saying, sometimes, especially women, we put ourselves last on the list, we squash our voice and abandon our needs which hurts us AND our relationships.
So what did I do?
I called him and told him my dilemma. I was uncomfortable because of my past experiences. In fact, I was afraid of his reaction.
It’s still not easy for me. If you read my book, Loving the Whole Package, you would know that this kinda relationship conflict brings back the struggles I had with my husband and the loss of my dad – so it can feel hard still to this day.What’s different now is I choose to move closer to my partners, not away. I know by not sharing my truth or my needs, they don’t get to know me, I am in hiding and that limits the possibilities for authentic connection.
AND I refuse to sacrifice myself in order to please another. Compromise yes. Abandon myself, no friggin way!
So what happened?
He held the space. He listened. He totally understood my situation and TOGETHER we figured out a plan that worked. What a concept!
This brought us closer together. It also created a mutual trust. He knows he can trust me to share what’s happening inside me, and I now trust he can receive me.
So I invite you to explore where you withhold your truth and why. What’s at risk for you to share yourself?
I offer a lot of relationship building exercises in my book. If you want to have more love and find yourself self-sabotaging, you can grab it here.
Much love, Junie