As Mother’s Day approaches I find myself still without my son and I am hurting. It’s been over 5 years of no contact – not my choice. It is beyond ridiculous, makes no sense and yet this is my reality.
I have many people, including his dad, telling me over and over what a great mom I was and how I did nothing to deserve this treatment.
I could say the punishment doesn’t fit the crime but there was no crime. When my head hits the pillow at night, I know this. And yet I still hurt.
At the end of the day, I am without my son.
Part of me wishes there was no Mother’s Day, and yet, here it is, and here I am feeling a lot of emotions.
I feel angry – How can he do this to me?
I feel sad – I miss him and feel the loss
AND the biggest of emotions is my fear that I will never see him again and that scares the shit out of me.
Not great feelings. But what am I to do with this reality? I can fight it or I can accept it.
Easier said than done!
So get this…
I can also feel joy – yes, it’s possible. Read on…
I share my story because this is like anything in life that doesn’t seem right. Things happen and life can feel unfair.
You may not be experiencing the loss of a child but you may be fighting some other loss or hurt or injustice.
When things don’t turn out the way we think they should, we are left feeling a lot of emotions. We can experience feeling alone, unseen, betrayed, misunderstood and out of control because we have just so much control in life.
For me, the biggest disappointment I am challenged with is the situation with my son. But I have a choice and so do you with whatever you are dealing with.
It’s how you look at things and the meaning you give to it. Let me explain…
I want to have a life that is filled with joy. A life that I get excited to wake up to. I am sure you want that too. A life well lived and one filled with happiness and peace.
If we focus on the loss and how wronged we are, we are going to experience anger and sadness. And that’s ok. It’s ok to feel sad or angry. Let’s just not hang our hat there. That’s not going to support a joy-filled life.
I believe that my son is on his soul’s path that doesn’t include me right now. I believe he has his journey in this life.
I also believe life happens FOR us not TO us. And though I grieve because my human mommy heart misses my son, I also know in my gut that there is a bigger story unfolding.
He is learning how to be without a mom and stand on his own two feet.
I am learning how to surrender to my son’s independence and will that doesn’t include me.
And here’s the thing… nothing really bad is happening. I gave him strong wings and he is flying and thriving and having a life… and I am too. And this brings me joy.
I can focus on his accomplishments. I can focus on his ability to be out in the world and support himself. I can feel proud that he is strong and wise and creating the life he wants. That makes me happy.
In fact, I can feel love even though he is not present in my life. I can access the love I feel for him by thinking about him and sending him that love. He has no control over what I think and feel. Ha!
OR I can focus on how life sucks and I have been dealt a messed up hand.
If I take out the meaning of what has happened like my opinions (He’s crazy. He hurt me. He’s mean to me. I have been wronged. I don’t deserve this) and just see the facts (My son is not speaking to me and he is on a path that doesn’t have me in it right now) it takes the sting out of it. Still not great, but a heck of a lot less painful!
Life isn’t all grand. Life can feel hard. So what can you do when something happens that sucks?
As Tony Robbins’ says, where your thoughts go, energy flows. That’s where you have choice.
- Be kind to your wounded heart and check in with your beliefs.
- Do your best to see the facts without your judgments.
- Peel away your beliefs about the situation if you can.
- And if you are feeling pain, look for other thoughts that can bring you joy.
What beliefs can you add to the situation that can give you a different perspective? Like me with my son. I have the belief that he is learning about life and I am learning about surrender. It helps.
Does this make sense?
- See the facts – the reality of the situation and do your best to reframe your beliefs.
- Change the thoughts to what is NOT bad, but what actually might be the blessing.
I hope you don’t think I am being too Pollyanna about life’s pain. Life can really hurt. I just have experienced new ways to cope, and transcend the silliness of life which can feel like the rug has been pulled out beneath me. I wanted to share this with you in hopes to ease some of your pain.
Reach out if this struck a chord. Happy to support you.
And if you know of someone dreading Mother’s Day, perhaps this message can help.
No matter what your circumstances are, I hope you can find joy in your heart and celebrate how wonderful you are no matter what is happening. Your reality is what you make of it. You are that powerful.