Recently , a coaching client found out that I have some major challenges with my son. She was shocked that I experience feelings of loss, pain and deep sadness on a regular basis, and that my mommy heart aches.
What really threw her is the same question most of us ask ourselves. How can you have a painful situation to deal with and still be happy? How does something like that not break you?
That is what I’ve been learning for years. In this situation, there’s very little I can do. Control doesn’t work. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Being a recovering micro-manager, this has been a very hard life lesson to accept. How does one “let go” when it’s the relationship between you and your child at stake? There must be something I “should” or ‘could” do, right?
Most people would shudder to even imagine my situation. I can’t go into details because it involves my son and his story is not mine to tell – but I can share my journey, and how I not only survive but THRIVE.
At some point, all humans feel anger, sadness, grief, joy and shame, and we all want to be happy.
The trick is to not let the pain stop you and keep you from living your life. I think that’s why I was so drawn to Shadow Work, because it allowed me to stop being taken over by my pain, and learn how to manage it and tap into my true source of happiness too.
Even today, I sometimes feel very alone. The pull on my heart can almost take my breath away and I just wanna crawl up in a ball and hide from the world. Sometimes I want to scream. I can feel out of control. Sometimes I look up at Spirit and say “What is this really about? I am lost and do not have a clue. What am I supposed to do here?” “What do I not see?” Help!
When this happens, and I find myself in this place, here’s some of what helps me. Maybe it can help you too.
Tip #1: Take time to feel the pain. To process what is moving through you.
Pushing away the hurt and not allowing the flow of emotions can make a monster out of the feelings.
What you resist persists. Pain will fester and leak out. Energy needs to move so allow it to. Hiding it and just making believe it isn’t there can only take you so far. Eventually you will find yourself getting sick, emotionally off-balance, depressed or reaching out to old habits to sooth your sorrow. That WAS my M.O in the past.
Find support! You don’t have to do it alone.
Tip #2: Ask for help. I ask for the people I love to hold me and allow me to weep. Or I ask a friend to just listen to me and my story to just be seen and heard. OR if I am not able to have support like that, I help myself by taking a healthy action.
I have a list of things that helps me feel calm and brings me back to center.
Tip #3: Make your own healthy Self-Soothing list.
Some of the things on mine are:
- Walks in the woods
- Sex (yes!)
Will these things make my situation go away? No. But how I feel is what’s important. I can not live out my soul purpose playing it small and hiding behind my T.V with a box of Oreos (my past M.O for self- soothing)
I have control over my mind and the actions I take in my life which has nothing to do with my son.
If I focus on what sucks, I will feel sucky. If I focus on my health and well-being, I will feel a lot better and my sadness will not feel as heavy. The more centered I am, the better life I can live, period.
Thankfully, I have acquired a lot of tools and experienced loads of transformational work that get me through difficult times. BUT I am not immune to shit happening and then feeling the hit.
The cool thing is I know I have choices and YOU do too. None of us have to be a victim to the story.
When the shit that hits the fan- and it will – what we do with it will determine whether we thrive or just get by.
In my next writing I will share about the meaning we give to the things that happen to us. How we view the world and the circumstances can play a huge role in how we will feel.
I will leave you with this:
I believe things happen for us in life, not to us. Just that thought can make a world of difference in how we perceive the shit.
Let me know if you try any of the tips or need more clarification. Reach out via email at firstname.lastname@example.org. I would love to hear how you are and how this is working for you.
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