You probably know by now, I’m willing to share almost anything with you if I think it can help you expand your comfort zone and allow more love into your life. I use my life as a tool to guide you to what’s possible and to let you know, I’m not perfect and still learning.
Well, this share is a big vulnerable one and yes, a very potent message for you…
So last month I was at a business retreat in beautiful Scott’s Valley, California amongst the redwoods. It being a business retreat I expected to, um, learn more about business. I learned a ton however…something happened quite unexpectedly and it was transformational.
I was doing an exercise that was supposed to help me release some pent up shame/blame, specifically around business challenges, when suddenly I became extremely nauseous. I ran to the bathroom. I barely made it and I threw up.
WTF? This was so out of character for me to get sick, but that’s what happened.
Later I realized I got sick from my supplements and it wasn’t the exercise that brought it on however, Friend, what happened because of the sickness shocked me. I began to cry from the depths of my soul. I mean major heaving of tears.
I was bummed I was missing the exercise and then it opened my heart up and I went down the deep dark rabbit hole. My sickness cracked me open to a part that was hiding out in the corners.
Just before this event in California, I was in North Carolina presenting a workshop, ONLY 2 ½ HOURS FROM MY SON and once again did not get to see him.
As you know, I haven’t seen him in close to 6 years. I did try and reach out before I arrived but no go…. he still has a big story around the past and refused to see me. (major cliff notes, and it hurts)
Before I went to NC, I had a big cry about his resistance and I thought I had processed the grief of his radio silent choice. But what I didn’t get to process was leaving NC once again without connecting with him.
Taking off on the plane not seeing him hurt and then I went right into the business event. I didn’t have any time to feel the impact and I shoved it down for another day…
So here I am puking my guts out and weeping hard.
One of the amazing facilitators of the biz event came to support me as I was drowning in my grief. She held the sacred space like I do for my clients, which allowed me to run the emotions that were bubbling up. I let it rip.
I said things I don’t usually allow myself to say like:
- It’s not fair!
- I don’t deserve this!
- I gave him the best years of my life!
I was having a big pity party and I allowed my victim story to spill out…
Up till this moment, I had not allowed myself to fully own those “victimy” thoughts. I didn’t want to embrace my “poor me” story.
I know I am not alone in that, right? Have you ever pushed away the “why me” kinda thinking? It can catch up to you….
I obviously had a judgment about “people like that”. When we have a “people like that” story it’s red alert time. Something is in shadow!!!!
OMG, I had put my victim part in shadow. As I have said before, when something is in shadow, we lose access to vital energy and it comes out when we least expect it.
I had disowned my victim energy and had shame about feeling it, so I didn’t. And now it popped up in the most unlikely of places, a friggin’ business conference!
Not only that, the very thing I didn’t want to happen happened. I crumbled.
So what’s the lesson?
There are a few big lessons:
- Stay awake and keep looking for those tricky shadows. Keep looking for the disowned parts and bring those shadows into consciousness so they don’t sideswipe you.
- Make time to process. Take the time to feel what you need to feel without judging yourself. It’s ok to feel badly. It’s where you hang your hat after you do the uncovering that matters.
- Allow the emotions to flow fully. We so often hold back or stop before we are emptied out. Well I totally emptied out.
- Have compassion for the human experience you are having. I work on my shadow self all the time and yet I am human and so are you. Some things slip through the cracks like this one did. I’ve worked on the grief about my son but I had an unexplored part of this puzzle and, well, I had a melt down…and it was perfectly ok to be a mess!
And when we keep our inner life clean, we are less likely to be heaving in a bathroom when we least expect it!
Being human is quite a trip and sometimes we trip! Still learning and growing…
If you have a friend that you love that is suffering with some hidden shadows, please share this with them if you think this message can be helpful. I think the biggest message here is, let go, let go, let go. When we hold onto the pain, it pains us!
Much love, Junie