I am experiencing one of my shadows rearing its ugly head! I’m feeling a bit of shame around this share. Here I am the “expert” of shadow work and I am dealing with an out-of-control shadow.
|There is a part of me thinking: Ooh, what will you think if you know I still suffer with shadowitis?
Well, I’m human and I’m not immune to the lurking monsters from my past. One of the great secrets of life I’ve learned and share with you often is: Holding onto secrets creates more shame and by being transparent, you free yourself.
So here it goes…
As I tell my story, think how this may apply to you too, so you can “work it” as well.
My pusher has re-appeared. Yep, there is this part of me that can be relentless. It tells me things like:
Basically, it’s my fear that if I let my guard down, my life will fall apart. Old programming. Ugh!
The good news is I see it and am taking steps to take back the reins from the wild horse that has gone bananas.
If you’ve bought and read my book, (and if you haven’t, whatya waiting for? Click here – shameless plug) you know that my dad died when I was 14 and I became the independent, over-achieving, don’t need anyone kinda gal. I also became the micro-managing queen.
It was too risky to rely on anyone. Great strategy at a young age since I didn’t have the support or tools I have today. It got me through and created a beautiful life tapestry with many successes, but there was a cost.
Long story short, I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop because of what happened to my dad and that had me on high alert at all times.
As I got older, the concept of safety expanded. It wasn’t just about safety, it was also about maintaining my freedom. To continue to have choice, I need a certain amount of money – well, that is my belief anyway.
For me, it’s not just about survival but thrival. I love life and want to experience all of its sweetness.
So, 5 years ago I embarked on this “Junie Moon – Inner Critic Tamer and Self-Love Expert” journey and it has been expensive.
I have trusted the process…mostly. I have not let my fear get in the way. I have persevered knowing that once I get my ducks in a row and build my relationships – with you and social media – that all will fall into place. And mostly, that has been the case.
But since the film festival and book release, and my 90 Day Group Program launch – my overworking, “Don’t drop the ball!” inner pusher showed up and I have had a hard time getting it to shut the fuck up!
I needed to be on my game and stay focused these past couple of months. I had a ton of things to do and happily I rocked my to do list. But now, my uber focus has shifted into the old way of acting out, non-stop over-controlling.
What do I do when I see a shadow running amok? No silly, I don’t run! I face it. I work it. And last week I went to a shadow work weekend and did a process to get this part in check.
Here’s the juicy insight I got that most likely will help you too.
The very thing I’m trying to avoid, the very thing I’m scared of happening, is happening anyway, even with my old tactics trying to avoid it.
My Want: I want to be free and feel safe.
My Old Strategy: By overworking and having my pusher slamming me with the constant to-do list, I am getting a lot done but…
The High Price:
All this affects my ability to do good work and it’s slowing me down, not helping me move forward and I am unable to enjoy each day.
I want to create a thriving business and maintain my freedom BUT I’m losing my freedom to enjoy my life. I’m not getting things done because my body is not optimal.
The very risk I was trying to avoid is being created, just in a different way.
Yes, things can happen that can throw us off. Painful things. But, if we play it safe and over-shoot from a place of fear, we miss out on the precious moment we have right now. That is a big loss. That creates an unhealthy environment that can surely snatch our freedom to live life out loud.
So, I did a shadow work process. I looked through the eyes of the Divine and saw that all is fine. Yes, I am still investing my money and building a career and I am serving people. Yes I have more ducks to get in a row and the good news is I see the ducks! I am right where I am for a reason and I need to relax and take the next best step.
The future is a mystery but today is mine for the taking. If we live in our past or fear what may happen in the future, we lose.
So I got clear. Well, clearer.
My body is out of whack and I am taking steps to get back into balance.
As I always say, the first step to healing is being aware that something is not working.
I had a lot of hoops to jump through with the book launch. I had a huge amount of money invested in its success. Now I’m on the other side of it and it’s time to come back to center and trust I am being led. If I don’t, the cost is my life, my health, my joy, my ability to serve – everything that is important to me.
So what’s running you?
What is out of whack that keeps you from enjoying your life?
Is there an old message that is haunting you?
I hope my share helped. I know it helped me. I am not perfect. I am still learning. And I share my journey to hopefully light a way for you to see your path more clearly so you can heal too.
If you wanna grab my book, Amazon has it on sale. Click here. Not sure when that changes but for now, it’s $9.95. The Kindle is $4.95.
Many blessing to you, Junie