I cut off his head and it went rolling- yikes
When I didn’t speak up and share what was inside of me– the pain, the fear, my anger, my sadness.
I would blow! I yelled. I was a crazy person. I would burst out in anger or crumble in deep sadness.
It would just leak out when I least expected it.
AND I was trying so hard to contain my feelings and be the super mom & wife, a miraculous acupuncturist, and be an evolved human being. Ha!
All my over-the-top controlling just led to an out-of-control state which created even more pain, fear, sadness and anger. It totally backfired. The very thing I didn’t want to happen, happened. Chaos.
There were things in my life that were happening that just weren’t ok, but I was scared of conflict, so I didn’t speak up. I sacrificed my soul, my voice and my light all to keep the peace.
But was there really peace?
Do you really have peace when you are not being true to yourself?
I pushed down the pain with food to numb myself. I said yes to things when I wanted to say no. I managed my life and everyone else’s the best I could.
I micro-managed everything I could.
But the heartache showed it’s ugly head anyway. In different ways. In 200 pounds on my 5’3 body. In the sarcastic remarks that I would sling toward my friends and loved ones. The pain leaked out. It had to. Energy needs to move and the soul needs to speak!
I used to think, unconsciously of course, that it was too dangerous to be seen for who I really was. I didn’t take the chance of speaking up and standing out. I was afraid that people may not like me or worse judge me. I would do anything to not feel the pain of inadequacy. My self-esteem was low and I had a very strong risk assessor inside my head watching out for anything that might hurt me.
This part inside, my protector was on duty 24/7 being my radar for conflict. It didn’t want me to take a chance and have someone criticize me. It kept me from the pain of rejection and judgment from others.
It did a good job of keeping me small and safe – but the price was too high. My joy. My life. My authenticity.
These behaviors were great coping skills I learned along the way. I didn’t want to feel out of control. I wanted to look strong. To be likable.
I did my best to not let anyone know how scared I was or how inadequate I felt.
I put on a good show.
Meanwhile I had voices in my head telling me “You’re not good enough”, “You’re too fat to be loved”, “You’re not strong enough, so don’t speak up or you will be bullied”. I was so scared that if I really shared my truth, I would be seen as being overly emotional. I would be made wrong and feel even worse about myself.
Inside me was a pressure cooking waiting to explode. And it did, many times.
Happy to say, I have not cut off anyone’s head in a long, long time. But there was a time…but life has changed.
The other day I took a deep breath and noticed how peaceful and centered I felt. I do that often – I check in and ask myself, “How am I doing?” “How am I feeling?” This check-in was a bit different because I took a moment to reflect upon the transformative journey that brought me to this magical, happy, sweet place.
Just like you, I have had a tapestry of life events. Now that I can look back, I can see the gifts in the struggles and the blessings of tools I picked up along the way.
One of the most powerful tools has been shadow work. I have had profound healing because of this transformative personal growth model.
Have you picked up (and read) my eBook? It’s free and it’s a wonderful guide. It teaches you how to lower the volume of your inner critic.
Here is the link for you. Let me know how it goes. And reach out if you need some support.
Without the love and support I received from my many transformational coaches and mentors, I would not have the inner peace and strength I have today.
If you’re struggling, there are answers. Maybe start with this eBook and then let me know how it goes.
It’s a journey. Be kind to yourself. You are exactly where you need to be right now and you can make new choices every moment to live a life fulfilled. Once you can see that the old strategies are not working and your soul is hurting, you can choose differently.
You can do it. You are doing it.
Many blessings to you, Junie
PS: As I re-read this blog, I realized a very important piece missing. By not sharing your authentic self, the people around you never get to see the beautiful being you are. Please, don’t rob them of your light. Shine your light for the world to see. When you shine your light and your loved ones see it, their hearts will smile and in turn you will feel a joy beyond your wildest dreams. really!