I wept today. Deeply. Old grief appeared, and I knew I must release it to be whole, to be healed, to allow joy back in. With the work I do, I know holding on and pushing things aside will just cause more pain. I know too much now to let things linger.
I honor my feelings because they are great teachers. When I felt the pain, I entered into a sacred space to explore my heart so that I could heal, and move some blocked energy to feel free.
You see, my back has been hurting for a few weeks now. I could blame the new exercise program or bad posture. However, I know that LOSS is the real culprit.
I have been here before. I’ve had physical pain appearing, and believing there is something wrong with me, such as my herniations kicking up – but you know what? It isn’t my back. My heart aches.
Because I am a life coach and I guide people, I wonder – aren’t I supposed to have my sh-it together? What will you think? Will you judge me for having a weak moment??
THAT is exactly why I am sharing this. Perhaps you too have some sadness in you that festers and holds you back in some way. I think vulnerability is strength and not weakness. So I’ve decided to share with you what I did to move this grief, with the hopes that you too can release some of what you hold so you too can feel free.
It is not weakness to feel. To feel is to be human and it is a blessing.
So I stepped into the pain to understand it, to track it, and then have the pain lift.
This was my process.
First I asked myself what I wanted. I said I wanted to feel whole, loved and connected. Then, I identified the part of me that felt alone, scared, and deeply sad. I also found a part of me that was really pissed off.
I stepped into the vulnerable part and wept. I spoke out loud and said “I feel so sad. I feel so alone.” I cried my eyes out thinking about the loss of my dad, the loss of my son, the loss of my marriage, the loss of my recent partner. I dove into the grief and I let it run its course.
But then something else appeared. The anger.
I moved into that part and voiced how angry I was that my father died and I had to feel so alone. How angry I was that my son doesn’t speak to me- which as I voiced it, I heard myself say he discarded me (wow, that’s big) and how he can’t acknowledge the loving mom I had been to him all those years, and I went on with how angry I was that my husband wasn’t able to step into the fire with me and save our marriage. I also felt how angry I am about stepping away from the recent relationship because it wasn’t a good fit anymore.
I let it rip. I didn’t censor. I had to let the anger pour out. I had been holding it. Not wanting to feel it. Scared that if I opened this faucet, the dam would explode and I would be a mess.
There are consequences when we hold ourselves down and don’t express our feelings. Our anger and sadness come out sideways and hurt others and yes often ourselves. But by moving through them this way, it is safe. I was alone processing but typically you would be facilitated by a trained shadow worker to do this. I share this with you because I want you to know it is ok to feel. To listen to your inner truth, your heart. I share this because I want you to know you are not alone.
I continued. I then brought in a part that could love me and soothe me. If you remember, I wanted to feel connected and loved, so I needed support in some way. A part that knows how special I am and could offer me words that would help me. And this part held me as I wept.
This part said to me: you are never alone. So many people love you. It’s ok to weep, just know you are loved. You are taken care of. Your father and grandmother are right here with you. Be in stillness so you can feel them with you. I love you, and I see you for your beauty.
This part continued with such beautiful words. I was giving myself a big hug as I listened to this wise woman who knows the truth. She knows that I am ok and that I am surrounded by love. She brings great reminders of who I really am.
I calmed down. My breathing relaxed, and amazingly – my back also felt better.
I share my journey with you because I want you to know you are not alone. You are a beautiful soul having a human experience that sometimes hurts. I hope the message you receive today is to feel. To allow yourself to flow. To be with your truth and not to shut it down. And, to reach out for support if you have challenges in this arena.
We are not taught in this culture how to honor our feelings and how to work with them. We have been taught to judge them as weak or scary.
What if there is power in owning your truth? How much more life-force might you experience if you accepted all of you? That is my hope for you.
From my heart to yours, I honor your truth, your light and the beautiful soul you are.